Day 13

"A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days (write a letter)"

Dear Death Cab for Cutie,

Thank you for writing the song "What Sarah Said." Despite the fact that I couldn't listen to it for a long time doesn't make it any less valuable to me.
When my dad died, I didn't want to listen to any music, watch any tv, read any books or do anything for that matter. I just wanted to sit and stare. Being in the hospital with him and with my family was an extremely emotional experience that I really can't put into words. Your song "What Sarah Said" really summed up what I had been thinking and feeling while being in the hospital for my dad.
I was inspired to choreograph a dance, which ended up being my Master's Thesis piece, because of a specific line from the song. "our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds" It really made me think about memories and how they are not perfect or accurate. It takes work to remember someone and I really try and think about my dad everyday to keep things moving and not let the memories get stale.
"you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all" is another quote that really really resonated with me. I miss my dad so much and it hurts a lot that he is gone and that I only had him for 21 years, BUT I am so thankful for those years that I had with him. I was blessed with an amazing dad and I am fortunate to have known him. I hate that he is gone, but I love that he was here.
Thank you for writing this song. Thank you for expressing words and feelings that I couldn't. Thank you for describing the ICU perfectly. Thank you for acknowledging that we can feel selfish for breathing around someone else who is dying. Thank you for noticing that the TV is on but no one watches it.
love and peace,
Carly


"What Sarah Said"
And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"

So who's going to watch you die?..

Day 12

"Something you never get compliments on"

This is weird. I am not in the habit of fining things that I like about myself but others don't seem to notice. I just feels funny and out of place.

I think that I am a funny person. I feel like I have a good sense of humor and I make jokes and do funny things a lot. I don't really ever hear someone say that I am funny.

Honestly, it doesn't matter to me. I would rather focus on the things I get complimented on and focus on complimenting myself. Staying in that place of "no one ever tells me I'm this" is not where I chose to be. It seems negative...or at least I see it as negative for me.

Day 11

So me trying to post over the weekend didn't work at all! I am picking up where I left off...

"Something people seem to compliment you the most on"

Superficial...people seem to always say something about my skin. I appreciate my skin and I try to take good care of it, but I don't think it is anything spectacular. I think it is nice, but I dont think I would compliment myself on it.

Non superficial...People tell me I am a good listener. I first remember someone telling me that when I was 13. I never really thought about it through high school, but it is now something I try to practice on a regular basis.

Day 10

"Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know"

hmmm...

I really feel like those who I need to let go are basically gone. I try not to keep toxic relationships because it is not fair to either party. I don't need to keep people in my life that are not caring and loving and compassionate and giving. Those are all things I try to be and I choose people who share similar qualities.

Day 9

"Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted"

I am still in contact with some of my lovely friends from grad school, but not as good of contact as I want to be. The women I met in grad school are amazing. A lot of them stayed in the bay area and some moved farther away.

I don't think this means I have to let them continue to drift. I think it's funny that I have to write this post today because yesterday I got a phone call from a grad school friend who just moved to LA. Also another grad school friend will be in Anaheim this weekend. I think its a sign telling me to not let these friends drift away

Day 8

"Someone who made your life hell or treated you like shit"

For some reason this amuses me.

I don't think there is or has been anyone in my life for any period of time that made my life hell...maybe a specific ex boyfriend, but I am trying to forgive him...haha. Maybe if I write a little about the relationship, it will help me forgive.

This specific boyfriend was such a charmer. Lots of other girls liked him and I know plenty of girls that also dated him or "hooked up" with him. We dated for probably 8 months and I only remember 1 nice thing he did for me. He made dinner reservations at a fairly nice restaurant and paid for the meal. I remember MANY other times that involved us going out and him "forgetting his wallet" or trying to pay with a personal check. I also remember getting asked for gas money on a regular basis. Of course I don't mind paying sometimes or splitting the check on a regular basis, but I don't like when it is always on one person and I remember I was always the one to pay.
There was also constant pressure to have sex. Somehow I was strong enough to never give in, but it was a miserable experience. I was made to feel bad about myself and my choices in regards to sex. It was some sort of pressure almost every time we were alone. Maybe I am exaggerating in my head and it wasn't as often as I remember, but I trained myself to cry on command whenever the pressure got to be too much and then he would lay off.
I have NO idea why we dated for so long, but it was not a good thing. I hold such a grudge because it was suck a miserable experience. Honestly I was burned for a while...it followed me through the next guy I dated and stuck around in the following relationship for a little while.

I am focusing on letting go of that experience and forgiving. He was young and silly and it was a long time ago. He could be a different person now. It's a process. It's a hard process.

Day 7

"Someone who has made your life worth living for"

Do animals count? haha, but I'm mostly serious...

This one is hard for me for a few reasons...
1) I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by not mentioning them
2) Life is worth living on its own...because it can be spectacular
3) I make my life worth living for. I know that I have in the past relied on someone else to give me happiness and confidence and a sense of self, but I see now that maybe that's not the best way. There are people in my life who make my life better. I am so blessed to have beautiful friends and family who I adore each and every day. I love the time we spend together and even if we are far apart (some of my best friends are far away) I can feel their love constantly.

I make my life worth living. I don't know if that sounds selfish or conceded or maybe it's because I don't have a husband and children. I think that having someone else make your life worth living is walking in dangerous territory. What happens if they leave and your life's worth was wrapped up in them? Maybe it's because my dad died when I was young or maybe I have walls up. Regardless, right now my answer to this question is me. I make my life worth living and everyone else that becomes involved are wonderful perks to being alive.

Day 6

"Something you hope you never have to do"

I really hope I never have to make the decision to take someone off of life support again. We did this with my dad and it was the worst decision to have to make. Completely and utterly horrible. I would never wish it on anyone and I NEVER want to have to do it again.

Day 5

"Something you hope to do in your life"

This is hard for me because there are SO many things I want to do in my life. I will make a list (because I love lists) of things I want to do...

1) Travel to India to study Yoga
2) Live in the Bay Area again
3) See Machu Pichu
4) Try Veganism
5) Do a headstand without a wall
6) Swim with a dolphin/beluga whale
7) Work with animals
8) Choreograph a evening length piece
9) Go on another cruise
10) Do a half marathon or a small triathlon
11) Go to a fancy ball
12) Open an animal sanctuary with my sister in Orange County
13) Get married
14) Have babies
15) Get a PhD in Dance

So these are just the first 15. I have so many things I would like to do or try and even if I don't get to all of these things, it's ok. I feel like its better to have lots of dreams and hopes and wishes and not accomplish every one than to have none at all for fear of failure.

Day 4

"Something you have to forgive someone for"

Let's be honest...I can hold a grudge if I want to. I don't know why I can hold a grudge so well, but I can and I do.

It may sound silly but I want to forgive all of my ex boyfriends/ ex dates for any wrong that they did towards me. I was broken up with in a lot of weird and hurtful ways. If I think about them now, some of them still sting a bit. Letting them go is what I want to do, but it is a process. It all happened so long ago and it really doesn't matter anymore. I don't need to be best friends with any of these ex's, but not focusing on what has happened in the past will make hearing about them much more tolerable.

Holding on to all of that anger does not serve me. Grudges are pointless and take up extra space inside that I could be using for something else. It's really funny to me that I decided to do this blog exercise because a LOT of these answers are things I am currently working on and changing because of my deepening yoga practice. Yoga is really about self reflection and self improvement and because I am so immersed in it right now, all of these things are on the forefront of my mind.

Day 3

"Something you need to forgive yourself for"

For some reason I have a lot of guilt about things I shouldn't. I have been working on this a lot lately and it is getting better...but I am not perfect and I realize that change takes time. Not all the things I need to forgive myself for are things I want to write on a public blog...ha!

Logically it doesn't make much sense, but I still feel bits of guilt about it here and there. I need to forgive myself for going away to school and leaving my mom and sister. They made it without me and did brilliantly, but sometimes I feel badly that I wasn't there for them. Going to Oakland was one of the best decisions I have made. It was a wonderful time in my life and I do think about moving back there. I really need to forgive myself for this and get rid of the guilt because I know it doesn't make sense! Guilt can be such a useless emotion.

Day 2

"Something You Love About Yourself"

I love my ability to be caring and comforting towards others. I can make people feel safe and comfortable and un-judged. I love the fact that people feel like they can talk to me even though I sometimes get dumped on.

I care about people's feelings and I want everyone to know that they matter and are cared about. I think I am capable of doing this so well, because I take care of myself and learn about my feelings first. I am not perfect at that, but I try really hard to listen to what I need. I think that if you don't take care of yourself first, you can't actively help others.

Day 1

"something you hate about yourself"

First of all, I dont "hate" anything about myself. Hate is too strong of a word to use against myself. There are things I don't like, but I won't say I HATE anything.

Something I dislike about myself is my lack of motivation that sometimes overtakes may desire to do things. I want to do all sorts of things...go hiking more often, go swimming, take more dance classes, do laundry, cook more, try being vegan, volunteer more often, ride my bike etc. I just let my laziness get in the way of all of that. I get stuck in my routine of doing what I need to do and then making excuses as to why I am not going the extra mile or put it off until tomorrow.

Don't get me wrong, I do what is expected of my in regards to work and the like. All of my jobs get 100% and I don't put anything off until the next day. Like I said, I do what I need to do.

I think procrastination falls under this dislike as well. I totally put things off all the time. Even really dumb things like laundry or grocery shopping. I don't know where it comes from and I have been making extra effort recently to change this. My yoga practice has really helped me and I should probably tap into this more often to do what I want to do.

30 Days of Truths

The Curious Pug is participating in this interesting challenge and I thought it would be fun and a good way to get in the habit of writing more often!! Tomorrow will be day #1!!!

Each day I will write on these topics...


Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Let me know if you are going to participate as well!!